I have a phobia of crowds and meeting acquaintances.
I am not used to seeing crowds and crowds of students.
I wish I were more sociable and friendly and could talk more.

The best part of today was mini will run at the park.
And I'm sorry I might've let the atmosphere dip a little :(

No escapism

Very Personal reminder (you might not want to read if you are not me)

That i have screwed this week up (academically), and have been irresponsible today. I am entirely drained of energy, slept too much last night, and didn't accomplish what i have set out to do. Mostly because i packed too many classes within the week, two slots got cancelled and i lost the drive after wednesday.

These are not excuses they are mistakes. But it tells me one thing: if i were to go back to school i might crash and burn at this time, the end of july. And that is absolutely unacceptable. You are meant to feel tired AND still be able to have enough determination to push on. What is the use of this year if you're still unable to completely break the habit. So what if you're not good enough at your new subject. There are three more months and only three more months but it is enough to get better. Chin up and don't succumb to.. Escapism. Even if it's unconscious. Don't sleep unless it's bed time. Don't.

Now i have to learn to clear my head when i can't concentrate due to frustration, stress, negative emotions and all the thoughts that go through my mind.

Reject

Or maybe wishes don't come true easily

I'll never attain that heart of gold, diamond, or pearl that soon. You are right. not an inch of me loves anyone deeply. i am afraid.

Fear is not an excuse, but fear is real. Give me time, i will change.

The only way i know how to deal with your tears is to close my eyes and my heart to them. Reject them like mine have been rejected before. Hate emotions like how mine have been exposed to hate. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them.

Tears are useless, they blind your thoughts, make you irrational, make you cave in even deeper. make you weak, make you vulnerable, closes your door for communication because they blind you and you can't see anything besides your miserable world and miserable thoughts.

Your emotions frustrate others. Don't voice out too much, they don't care. Don't love anyone too much, don't get hurt by them. I don't care. Feel truly alone and live with it, meet people who are alone. They all know to not depend on each other - interaction is considered love. We are lone rangers.

They love you more when you're not useless and emotional anyway.

Hear me, i know my fear is not an excuse to not respect you, love you, or care for you. I am sorry, and i am sorry i can't say these to you directly. I am sorry for i have been cold and ignorant, but i can't feel your tears, your emotions. I cannot bring myself to accept them or you will be the same way over and over and over again.

-

If these are my truest thoughts, then i am afraid i have lost myself.

I have lost myself.

I have a speck of sand - I say that triumphantly.

Stab me, cut me. I now have a heart protected with stone.

One day I will blow it away, reveal the tenderness. Expose it. It will bleed, and bruise, and tear if you harm it - but no one will ever be able to harm its core. A core of diamond, or a mother of pearl.

The days of last year, the miserable days. They were droplets of rain, a drizzle, a thunderstorm, a monsoon, all sorts of horrible names I hurled at the sky. Signals for my paper heart to cover itself.

Now I wake up and discover it had been a sandstorm all the while. A piece speck of sand has entered my body, an irritant. An irritant I will line with nacre and transform into a droplet of pearl.

That will be a wish I will hold onto. Wishes might come true.

We are all knights and soldiers -

Words at the back of my mind, unable to escape. Wait for the day for them to burst out, like bright bubbling magma which turns into lava. These days, I have to wait, and wait, to be able to express myself. My feelings like frogs trapped in a well, unable to escape till the well is full for them to be able to float back up. Thunderstorms will fill the well; but kill them too.

But nothing should kill me now. My armour, my shield, they protect me from the rain. First i built one made of paper, then thin veils of plastic, then metal. Nothing will harm me. No showers of blessings.. so I tell myself it is alright as long as I am safe. One day, my knees will give way to the weight of this armour. Let that day come, like how I have been destroyed in the past, unprotected.

I am not recognizable anymore. Not just me, everybody. Most. All of them have built this armour before I did. Felt their cold metal pressed against my soft, skin, vulnerable. I am more human and I can feel, I used to think. But we all learn to succumb to that, supposed strength.There is no point in getting close to cold, hard skin when they can't feel you, touch you, sense you, love you. Why risk getting hurt when you can learn to build a suit for yourself.

-

We are all knights and soldiers.

Two lucky soldiers may embrace, clink and clank, they perceive it to be pleasant sounds. They get used to it. Some soldiers hurt the ones who throw themselves onto them. Some die, and some learn to be part of the army. Join the proud knights!

But the luckiest ones; they both throw their armour away.

If you're sandwiched between two people, an intimidating giant [change to: any object representing your greatest fear] facing you, and the back, (anybody, could be a harmless baby). Who would you want to remove, given you can only remove one?

Think the standard (or rather, universal) answer would be "the person behind", for we all hate uncertainty. (even if the person behind could be a baby. BUT it could be a man with a knife as well.. but well, it could be a harmless baby...).

There is also the intimidating giant [or any object representing your greatest fear] in front of you which could represent confrontation, something most want to avoid.

If the chances of the person behind being harmful is only 30%, would the results be different? If it's reduced to 20%? 10%?

(Still, I think I'd pick the choice of removing whoever's at the back)

20th July 2011 - the death of Lucian Freud

I do not feel like explaining why he is my favourite artist, or why I love his works so much. This entry serves as a record.

I can't say I'm very sad, or affected, because he is not someone close to me, and has not exactly "changed [my] life". I don't want to say "it is a loss for the world" because I feel this on a more personal level. Well, for now I'll leave it at "I really admire him".

The word 'love' degrades it's meaning/worth. Saying I love "xxx" sounds so pointless and, for the lack of a better word at the moment, surface-level. Should I use the words interested? intrigued? attracted? It is a combination of many kinds of emotions/reactions I get when I look at his pieces. To sum it up, I might use the phrase "I'm drawn to his pieces". Some intense, some disturbing. And I can't figure out the rest until I look at them one by one.

A few of my favourite pieces:


John Minton
I think it's simply impossible to not feel anything. His eyes..


Naked Girl Asleep II

I seriously, seriously dislike looking at naked bodies [i have no idea why] but these are different because this 'nakedness' conveys a message (message sounds so preachy, but you get my idea), and the sense of discomfort and vulnerability is so... disturbing. It's the extremely disturbing quality of "naked girl asleep II" I like. (girl naked, arms and legs wide open. one would normally curl up. and not be able to fall asleep). (I've talked about this last year. And many times for my art teacher, in class)


Two Men

The contrast between the naked men and the clothed one. I sense discomfort looking at the naked men, fast asleep and it seems as though he feels safe and protected. (looking at his sleeping position) When he's not, obviously. (He is butt naked even if it is just the back view!) The clothed man's hand resting on his calves so provocatively, that rather satisfied look (i feel) makes you wonder what he's thinking about.

At the same time, it looks rather 'pure' because both are sleeping so comfortably next to each other and you think "what can possibly be wrong?" The tension might be imagined (from the viewer's POV). But the first impression it gives is so tense..

A site describes, "fraught with underlying tension".

If I can change the way my world looks, the way our friendship looks so easily, even overnight, - just by changing my point of view, then how does (our) friendship look like to you? It is, in fact, ever changing. And so.. intangible. (then again, the beauty lies in this intangibility)

What does a 'stable' relationship (using friendship here sounds odd) mean, how can things be stable when this big word 'relationship' is purely made up of thoughts we have of each other? (MY thoughts or YOUR thoughts about this connection, not OUR thoughts about our connection. These three are all different).

But I realise it is only because I don't love enough, that I'm able to change my perspective/views about you/our friendship so easily.The connection between two are made of these views we have of each other + love (which is built upon the first) (or something that cannot be reasoned) + (things I do not know of yet). Sometimes I feel love is like a chemical. Two are bounded by it, and the rest supported by reasoning.

[I am actually a little unsure of what I am talking about now, there is definitely a missing equation].

Or rather, I don't know if there is anybody I love, enough. That is how you stay independent, and able to survive. But I am beginning to think it is wrong. There is no rejection, but there is no true acceptance either.

-

On Sunday, she reminded me that:

To put it mathematically, if the success of reaching out to a person (person you're reaching out to does not reject you) is likened to a star, your chances of being successful is (almost) a hundred percent, and the addition of a star gives you an even higher chance the next;

imagine how beautiful the numbers would turn out when the first try earns you (1), 2nd try gives you (1) + (2), 3rd try gives you (1) + (2) + (4), so on and so forth.

It is not to objectify, desensitize (or whatever what I should use here) the (i feel, sacred) act of initiating conversations. It is just that such illustrations are much easier to understand. Clear, objective numbers.

-

If there is one thing you should know, I really dislike the act of reaching out to others. Beneath it lies my greatest fear.

Good dreams are the way to start a day. The physical touch - it is just skin contact yet it is so amazing for it evokes so. much. emotion. So comforting. All I remember are emotions, feelings and visuals from my dreams.

Reading responses that makes the world feel like a better place, and sending messages about it are also good ways to start a day. When in an argument with someone you care about, first listen to what s/he has got to say, and where s/he is coming from. Arguing about who's right and who's wrong comes second to stepping back to think about any mistakes you've made, not just regarding the main issue. (eg. whatever you did to cause a misunderstanding, tone of speech) Because you'd want to remember the people you care about on your last day on earth, not the number of arguments you've won (and causing tension during the process)

Went for the music of Andrew Lloyd Webber concert at Marina Bay Sands today. It was indescribable. they played 'til I hear you sing' and i squeezed her arm, thinking how wonderful the music was though it was my first time listening to it. the live band/orchestra was a small one but the solos were SO good.

Adrenaline rush, waves of excitement, like the fluttering of wings, my heart about to take flight. How it felt exactly. (my description lacking, of course. And there are feelings you keep within you and will never forget) I must remember how that feels like, it is only during these moments that I feel that connecting with someone is truly possible. It is only during moments where you're experiencing something you truly love that you feel like a whole; complete and fully able to share your happiness with someone else.

And phantom of the opera came on, then the cats medley; curtain close. Round of applause. We left the theatre for intermission and i waved my hands in the air, screamed silently (to myself), unable to contain my excitement.

Act II - Pie Jesu, one of my favourite songs. Backdrop: blurred images of stained glass in a church (which reminded me of the tranquility of the Notre Dame church. Three weeks ago). Organ music and the purity of two female voices. Then came the famous dumdumdumdum from phantom of the opera, the audiences gasped. Who doesn't know Phantom of the Opera? Familiarity helps us appreciate something much more. So the crowd cheered after Christine belted her highest notes and collapsed onto the floor --

-

The night was nothing short of wonderful as well. We had ice cream before walking home. There are people you can speak to even after years of separation. You don't even have to be close or exceptionally close, or think about what the future will bring.

I am tempted to watch lion king. Correction, I WILL watch lion king. Made a mental note to myself that I'll attend concerts and musicals and plays regularly in the future to get in touch with myself.

There are only two things that can fill my heart: people I love and things I love. (honestly I don't think there's anything on earth besides people and things). Time spent moping about loneliness can be better spent playing the piano because it fills you, even if in a different manner.

One last thing I thought about: Always record any changes in the way I think. And the music reminded me of our talk about regretting not finding any person short of perfect. There must be something greater than the connection between the minds/spaces of two people. This something greater is something that will connect us without the need to speak. Something that will make our hearts soar together. And that perfect person must love that greater thing. The sound of an orchestra...

Deconstruct socoal construct

Deconstruct the social construct.

I thought, it is easier ti discover

I thought, 'it's easier to discover someone's true self by the things she posts and not by your conversations with her' while reading tweets. All of a sudden, that felt a little strange. (still dislike tweets to a certain extent)


Revealing ourselves via platforms like twitter, facebook and blogger is so much easier than opening up to a friend/friends personally. i mean, i can't imagine taking my blog down and telling someone whatever i say here.

On one hand, it feels like we're being more open about ourselves. On the other hand, i think we're acually being more closed up. Closed up to actual human interaction.

Correct me if this is merely my opinion and not something closer to the truth, but I think these platforms reveal the fear of rejection in us. Or maybe the ongoing search for acceptance. Does no acceptance = rejection?

Posting on these media platforms allows anyone to comment. (anyone means: a wider audience, no specific target audience, meaning higher chances of getting responses. Getting responses = acceptance?)

Talking to a friend is not an easy task for we have to find the 'right time' and we don't always get the sufficient response we want. And i feel awkward sharing my thoughts sometimes.

Tonight i'll ask myself why

I write to remember who I was. Who I am - the events, different thought processes that shape me. I have changed so much throughout these 7 - 8 months. I've written far less due to the lack of time, and the lack of insecurity (writing driven by the fear of forgetting, not driven by inspiration or realisation).

Changed so fast that I cannot remember what exactly made me less emotional, more able to gain control over myself, more comfortable with who I am (perhaps, confidence), less insecure, less fearful. [future self: note that I am writing positive things about myself at this moment. I am feeling good at *this* moment, and this is probably who I wanted to be. But I know there are more things to be understood about myself, to make life a -happier- one, without forcing anything out]

I will be able to remember what happened before and after the period of change, but not the change (metamorphosis) itself. I will be able to remember who were the ones watching me, for they are like the only constants.

-

Language shapes thinking. This reminds me of broun, and this reminds me of the plain fact that I was "just insecure". You watched me. You don't know who I really was, just the remnants (though the root of all my problems surfaced).

When I'm tired and about to break down, I run away.

This has got to stop.

I said I'm still changing only out of the need to understand things, not out of security or dissatisfaction. But I feel I should stop running away. Is this out of dissatisfaction or just understanding the need to face things? Not like it matters for now. Just stop running away.

-

Tonight I feel so distant from every one.

Something hit me strong and hard today.

(at *this* point in time, this is what I feel)

I suddenly feel that I cannot commit to someone for life, because I am constantly changing. Yes, I might marry a man who embraces changes too and you will ask "so what is the problem here?". The problem is, what if we don't change at the same pace, the same way? Just because we're one, we're a couple, we live under the same roof, does not mean we'll go through the same experiences (and even if we do, we will react differently).

Friends come and go. Because we change, we grow up in different environments, we realise our views are different and we move on. But when you choose to commit to a person for life, you cannot do that, you can't move on.

So do we marry someone only when WE know our personality won't change much and HIS personality won't change much? But still, under circumstances, (eg. your ego-filled husband gets fired from job), people still change. And change to become incompatible with you. What will happen next?

We start dating in university and move on to marriage. Surely, it is not possible that the person you're dating now at the age of 21, 22, 23 will not change. People say that we should always work things out between two people, but I feel it is so tiring and at the end of the day, you think - what for? Why work so hard to compromise?

Sometimes I feel we compromise and give in due to loneliness and fear - afraid to die alone, afraid of pressure from family, afraid of being the outcast (friends all married with children and you still single).

Sometimes I think failed marriages are essentially due to the incompatibility of two beings, the rest are just triggering factors. Surely, he will meet someone better than you, but if he is satisfied he will never run away from you.


It is only possible to commit to a man who is exactly the same as you, will change the same way as you do. But that is impossible. Because I do not know who I will be in years to come as well. What is commitment? What is love? A relationship?

-

That said, I very much want a good, healthy marriage in the future. Or actually, all I want is the wisdom to know how to handle relationships/friendships properly. But regarding marriage, it just seems so.. impossible right now. Well, I'm still young.

Maybe because I'm still in a state of change and cannot understand the world fully with my lens that is not fully developed. Maybe that's why people generally get married after they're 26.

I have so much more to learn.

things that matter:

9th - the three of us met up, sat somewhere in a hotel after lunch (at ippudo) and had a talk about people, friends, marriage and attraction. (amongst other things) Distance or time can't mess with connection that much; I wish we had more time.

8th - dinner and auditioning of earphones with my friend I disturb over the phone, and who is now not in Singapore, enjoying the leave. (side: bumping into friend at ion)

You run out of things to say when you're too close and start to distance. So distance might bring two closer by eliminating the chances of any awkward silence - just in case both aren't perfect for each other- (?)

(not for all cases, of course). It's a thought, not a fact.

It was a thursday and it was a good day. I got out of the house and got in touch with a new me. (my intention was to lock myself at home at first, but there were unforeseen circumstances) Also, I managed to have a better control of myself; put down my insecurities. What I wanted to say (text) also made me discover how highly skeptical a person I am, and I am determined to erase that part of me.

I do not want to place expectations on people any longer, if it is within my control. Or I will try to control it. I used to think expectations come naturally with love. It does, but it isn't what love really is about, it used to come in a package but now I realise love exists even stronger without expectations. Forcing myself to put down my expectations for someone felt like letting go of (the love I have for a person), and for a moment, it feels like the person is out of your life, but when when you're finally able to come to terms with yourself and your (possible) friendship/relationship with a person, it comes back even stronger when you do not impose your ideals onto another person. Letting go of two important people in my life in the past has turned them into more important people to me later on.

"You are constantly changing". For now I can accept it if anybody can't accept who i am (right now). But I feel we can love a different him/her and still love him/her. That perhaps means the acceptance of all sorts of characters. And maybe that means accepting everybody else as well. Less hatred on earth.

Today, I am comfortable with who I am.
Today, as in, not yesterday.
Hopefully it'll mean tomorrow and forever.

and I don't have to be a 'better' person.
I mean, better doesn't mean anything.

convert loneliness to productivity.

Yesterday, I got out of the house for the first time after I coming home from the Europe trip. Besides the half an hour used to get the Music of Andrew Lloyd Webber tickets and Sara Bareilles' album the other day. I. cannot. wait. for. the. show. Andrew Lloyd Webber hereee we comeeeeee!

I haven't been able to fall asleep lately, takes me at least an hour and a half to shut my eyes to slow jazzy music or soothing classical music. I figured at the half an hour mark that slow music or not, it does not make a difference, so I switched to my band playlist. And felt my heart soar.

I'm not exaggerating when I say it's empowering. I lay there on my bed and jacked up the volume so every single note and beat could fill me. Tried to pick out each instrument like I used to and every note from the pieces we've performed is tagged to a certain emotion. Mostly of not being good enough but I've never ever regretted picking up the flute, even if a little late. My wildest dream is to join a band or orchestra. Thought of how I shouldn't care if the rest think I'm not good enough for my age. It's different with the piano cause it's mostly solo or duet and chances to perform are so rare unless you're Godly or something. Hope I haven't lost my embouchure.

Shall starve my ears tomorrow. I think I've killed them today.

End of dear diary post

But i really can't beat this feeling. i feel so alone. I expect it to happen but still, looking at everybody else interacting at school and at work, and then myself.. So i shut my browser and felt glad i didn't touch it before.

I sound like a pathetic kid here. I'm supposed to be okay. Be okay. Be okay. Be okay.

-

Got out of the house after that, crowds of people comforted me. For once. Physical human presence can help to a certain extent, even though they don't look at you.

Got a copy of sara bareilles' album, popped it into the walkman and felt instantly... A little better. I like how it has some crackling sounds, like a gramophone.

The connections between you and I are strings.

The ends were starting to fray so I pulled them away from me, to protect myself. I don't want to see them slowly disappear, for you burn off a little more of it each day. But as I pulled more and more strings out, I notice there were only a few left.

I am now a rod, empty and bare. What protection is there?

Not doing anything about it, just standing there.
Too afraid to care.
The precise thing that causes it to wear.

But as I reflect, maybe I was the one who made all of you feel insignificant first. Afraid to reach out first. I thought that part of me was already gone.